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<< : 2005-01-22 :: 10:39 p.m. : >>
Dissecting the surface of things

Shhh, shh, It's very clear, shh shhh
my dear, shh, shhh!
It's so peaceful and than!
It reinds me of Bjork's cover of an Old 50 or 60's song about love.
All we do is fight anymore, he there I'm here and we fight. Ridiculous fights, things I do not understand, I'm lost in that, and insecure in it's nature. We are so different and yet the same in some ways.
I can't look at him and see a filler guy, someone you do and say thanks for the time moving on.
I lookat him and my soul aches, my heart beats and his eyes carry my lifetime in them.
Strange since our whole relationship has been about him not being with me everyday..I wonder what that will be like?
He says that I can be cold, so I worked hard to give to him, not it seems he'd like to pick and choose what parts of me he'll take ( self loathing no being one of them) all though he say's he loves all of me. He accepting of me when I'm happy, but upset when I share my burdens, and still yells when I don't. He's an angerball, and his indecsions warrent a certain unsettling feeling in my stomach, worrying about if I to can so easily be replaced by another idea. How is it you can love someone so much, like who they are, but can't seem to understand why they act towards you as they do. He won't give, he's to scared, and in my openess he so quilt trippinly asked for he is now s frighten by, it's too much, and than the walls come up. I must keep my down, for when their up in reaction to his, in trying to always give him what he needs, I am again making him mad!!
I know that in my very core he is my soulmate, the love of my life, I will always melt to him I know that, calling me home like the sea to a Siren.
He doesn't budge to me though, I know he conquered a lot, he doesn't know of all the things I have conquered just for myself. Yes I am hard on myself, but people are mean, and will most likelty rip you a part as oppose to build you up, so I beat them to the punch. I know my flaws, I'm okay with them, but it is a process to get rid of them all together. I am in a Process at 21 I still have lots to do and learn, and no I am still not happy with myself. I am not mount everest girl, I am not evil Kanievil, and no I am not like many of the self sufficant woman you dated or the woman you married. I am Me!!! Love it or not it is all a process of healing, and challenging my self to all together move, a cue for me is leaving the house...sorry but true. I am a simple woman in that sense. I like what I like, when I like it. That does not make me less, and I'm tired of feeling like it does, being who I am is not a henderence, maaybe something I need to change, but all I can do is work at it, day by day, moment by moment, and I give my all to the people that I love even if I don't go where they want, or do what they think I should. I'm me, and that should just be worthy enough! I have many layers and I'll find them...hopefully!




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