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<< : 2005-03-15 :: 5:35 p.m. : >>
Labor of Love

What can I say about me now, I am still in the process of my life. It's overwhelming at times. I joined a new art community very cool. A place to both sell and distribute my art and writing. My friends are getting married are married and or are having I am one of the last. Weird to think that I am at that age were motherhood is not so far fetched, were marriage is not waiting til it's legal or I'm mature. Which even people old enough to be married are not mature. I had those dreams though, I gasp. I always Kinda knew I wanted to be a mother, but to be married ha! Submission. I never understood any of it. I had loved men but not enough to give them anything worth to much of me. I held strong for something, perfection..what I thought that perfect feeling that only Chris cornells voice seem to raise in me. Than I met the love of my life...cheezy I know, but I did. One day it was awkward and confusing, messy and unsure, until I grew up and understood that my chance, my risk, made me realize it was real. Realiness counts not perfection. It's rough and sometimes hard and it's everyday, but it's so beautiful to feel. How can I explain knowing, just knowing the one. It doesn't feel like obsession but there's simply no one else who fits you, your heart your soul have made up their mind, that's it. It's not loud or overwhelming, but it's not weak or subtle, it so strong and connected. There's no way to measure it. It was already planned in me I knew that much, we'd been friends for years, but I can remember the first time the young girl in me liked this young boy, but we were kids than, and he was my friends BF, from than it was only casual meetings and that instant spark, that everytime I was around him or talked to him, I was home, I was happy. He always belonged to someone else though, and I think I was too scared to love him than I didn't know how, I wasn't ready. So life took it course with both of us. We stayed in touch and became best friends, but he was always telling me he loved me, when drunk or lonely, and I always thought it was just because he was drunk and lonely. I was scared too, of what being with him ment, and him turning outr to be like everyother man in my life. I couldn't hide my total admiration of him, everybody saw it, everybody knew. Than finally fate dinged a bell at us, and I found myself in a descision of my life, offered by him. He wanted me to choose, perhaps out of respect perhaps to stay protected. Like I said it was awkward and messy and one of my fondest memories. When he left I had decided to be his girl, I was someone He wanted me, but it was not an easy situation we put ourselves in, and overtime I grew into what I call true love. The kind that is forever, that when your lying on your death bed you say yes I've truely loved. The one all others will never rise to not because they came next or because they he took so many first from me, but because there is only one time in your life where everything comes together when you just know with ever fiber in your being this other human being is where you belong. Attraction, chemistry, friendship, love, devotion, souls..everything is there, maybe not perfect humans aren't but that's your mate for life. That's how I feel for him. For whatever reason fate saw fit to bring us together no matter the very difficult obstacles in front of us. I guess only time will tell where my life may lead me both in love and in who I am.

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