<< : 2005-01-13 :: 8:39 p.m. : >>
Rabbit hole

A lot has changed now mirror, my reflection has altered some..
Oh no you can't see it on the surface maybe in the way I stand, the way I speak, but it's in the deepest part of me
I'm on a very strange road now, where it leads I do not know, the only map I hold is hope, and faith.
Tell Alice I'll see her soon, although it's not the white rabbit I follow, but a man
Yes dears a man, follow where he leads, to an oppurtunity I finally let myself believe in, the prayer I've waited for all my life, I sing Gershwin with completeion now.
Oh it hasn't been easy, and no he doesn't always see what it is I've overcome for him, but God do I love him.
He posses me like a strange drug and yet not all together an obsession, can you follow
Even mad or confused, I still love him, still want to talk to him, he is my best friend. I given him so much, everything I have, and he has given me many gifts..so many I can appreciate.
He is like a dream, but he is quick to slapp me into reality.
I felt the emptiness surface, something I had never felt..so dead, so cold inside, not even the pain could touch me. I had to fight to get to that love for him, the Ice queen had returned. I wanted so much to be his wife, mother to our children, even in that crazy notion..I felt this sort of calmness, this belonging like that's where I ment to be, with him. I wanted it so much, for him to say he loved me that much, that I was not just simply a girlfriend. Perhaps that is my flaw too, a silly progression of something that takes time. I let myself want that, and was rejected, not harshly but all the same rejected. It hurt, for the first time I wanted something and wasn't afraid of it, not overwhelmed, not worried, just happy, really happy, and scared that it would not come true. Iopened up my dreams to him, I never before thought to be married, to afraid , that even the thought of kids frightened me, but not than, now I am hollow in those dreams, not knowing where to put them. He's already a father..his son, I can't even touch that, mouth single words to it, his and his alone, them against us all is how he views it seperate. He was already a husband, he had choosen a love to where his name, and have his son..those memories are done for him, I can not compete with that. She ruined that perception killed that sacred act, and now I pay the price. Oh he'll give me children in six years when he's ready, yes he'll marry me..when he's done being afraid, and I'll just wait patiently enough being simply his girlfriend, his sex slave, waiting to see if another will take my place or if he's truly loves me enough to give me his name.
Oh but I know froid he's my everything, my moon and my heaven, yes he's home to me. N other man will do I'll wait, I mate for life, all I can do is have faith, that like me he'll drop his guard, how did I become so compromising.
I know he's faced a lot, I know he's in a aweful place now, I'll just let myself have those Rockfeller dreams, it's all that I have. The future is all that I have to think of, I can't live the present with him, and the past is just a glance, no you can not snatch my soul again, I'll try to stay connected reguardless, of what he says, of what he jokes about, and just be comfortable and grateful for that atatus of girlfriend and good times.
Maybe going through the rabbit hole will grant me a happy and successful life..in Hawaii.

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