<< : 2003-09-03 :: 1:57 a.m. : >>
Destortion of a girls mind and soul

I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes, is there something so wrong with me? I think I'd be a cutter, except I don't embrace that darkness, I don't embrace much of anything.

It's like two people, one fighting over the responsible, wise old soul self, the second is fulll of pain and rage, and thinks about death on an every second type of term-age. The only calmness I feel is while doing Yoga, artistic things,and the thought of cutting myself.

No I don't face my demonds much, perhaps because I'm to scared of what I'll find, who I'd be. A freak! A medication worthy, can't coupe with life, freak! I don't want to be shunned, or locked up until I can't tell the difference between what's real and what's an illusion. While all those around me look on with dissappointment a sympathy for my illness! No, God save me from that hell.

Maybe we all have an illness that we hide, for fear of what is quote, unquote okay. In this day and age whose to say what is okay. People have changed,evolved and become something entirely unnatural from earlier times, and what was considered okay. If your not hurting anyone, whose to say that your a freak. Why do you have to bend yourself to their life expectations and rules. Not to say that there aren't some disturbing people out there, who need help. That's the hard part whose to set that standard of what's okay, to make you okay?

Perhaps this is why I don't have relationships and find it so hard to live my life, because, I'm forced to think that where I'm at in my life, what I'm feeling is not okay, and can only mean tragedy.

Love? Why would they love a freak? how much could they really take before saying, "I can't do this anymore."? See they think okay she's not to too odd,so I like her, but than they realize that there are major demonds to deal with day in day out, that aren't their's anyways. (I'm mean their hard enough to deal with yourself all the time.)So than they decided, screw this I'm leaving. Where's that uncondtional Love and can you have it if your a "freak"?

Let's say that this time in my life, that this is an idea I will grow out of like adolescence. Will that partner still be there? Who maybe you've found, because they're the same way, or will it be another thing to struggle through?

I just don't want to go crazy, if I decide to embrace/accept these demonds, that is if I can. No I don't want to be caged. I don't want to stray to far from my path, or who I am!!!!!

I just want to live my life,be creative, be happy with who I am, and feel pretty to me, and to someone who will look at me with adoration in their eyes. Beautiful,and wanted unconditionally.

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