<< : 2003-09-07 :: 2:34 p.m. : >>
Aniexty inflected Alice, in drug indused Wonderland.

Anxiety! Yesterday early morning/the day before's night, I talked to my new and kindred friend Julia. Who I should call angel ,approperatly so, seeing as how in the short time I've known here she's helped me with lots of things.

I found out that I have an anxiety disorder or something, not a medical proximation, but it makes sense. My mothers idea, when I told her I wanted to see a Doctor at 4:00 in the morning as she was on the toilet, was one of her medical/ health books. Telling the reader: symptoms, percription drugs are the devil and natural ways to help yourself. Later in the day, as my sister and I shared in a anxiety bond, my mother went to the local health place, and bought me Kava Gold, and some pillets for when I have an attck. Great right! Except after taking a full one my head hurt, causing a little state of panic, because I didn't know what that ment?

Then later on that night, I was freaking out, I started to notice what a difference those pills had made in one day. It was like I was shocked into fear, and stress, and a constant state of uncertainty. I was a Child clinging to her mother in worry about what was going on with me. My mom got scared, which made me even more scared, so I took another pill. This time spilting it in half. Worrying if these pills would kill me. Feeling much like Alice in Wonderland. One pill makes me calm, coming down from the pill, makes me scared and feeble like. Was it the pill or the coming down that did that, or did noticing the total difference, and anxiety of a decision, cause the panic? I don't know?

I haven't taken one today, and I'm okay, in my usual state of some worry but not too much.

My decision is still unclear. Do I go or don't I? I so very much want to, but I'm deathly afraid. Especially with the uncertainty of my present condition, do I go anyway? My mother said, I could either go, or we could use the money I was going to use to go to PA, and go to the Doctor instead. An all natural Doctor none the less. I really want to just fly away from all this stress and constant uncertainty. Why can't I be saved?

KO still hasn't called yet, do I really want her to?

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