<< : 2003-09-15 :: 9:59 p.m. : >>
The absence of me when I am decaying from view.

I'm not the same as I use to be, I can see that now. I can't go back to the girl I idley was. I can't move forward out of fear of who I am suppose to be.

I can't stay the same because where I am is hollow, without sound or hope, or faith. I cry but I don't even register the tears. I imagine instead of feeling, and I hide instead of facing what I can not call by name.

Friends are foe's and Foe's are friends and all of it is laying within the grey of life. So I sit, and I play my music loudly to forget, who I am, where I am, and what I'm not prepared to do. With all the devotions, and Kind words,my loyalties are tested, with my own since of destruction, confusion and frustration. I hear their words but I neither rage, or are consoled by them.

I stare into the sky and it is Vague, and dark. I stare into the sun, but I can not hold it in my hands, I can not find it understanding. I barely go outside, because the world is to judgemental and harsh. My eyes can not readjust to the lights and shadows. I have lost all the fight in me, where a Brood mare stood in all her willful spirit, stands only now, an old dog ready for her place within the sheets of earth. Excape is not an option, because I can feel her in me, that brood mare, trying to resurface, but the mud covers her, chains her. No one will let her change, let us change, and we don't have the strength to fight all of their missconstrued ideas. There are those who will butter us up, only to let us fall from their hard rules, and those who who'd watch us decay into nothing, because they can never let us go, with wings and courage. In my damnation, I have swallowed all the fragileness,and awkwardness any woman has they right to own. In my lifetime, of burned emotions, being ignored, and beaten down. I have no love to grow from, no wisedom to draw strength from, and no achievements to draw courage from.

Only the absence of me.

Only the absence of me.

What I deal with is only the absence of me.

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