<< : 2003-08-25 :: 1:10 a.m. : >>
The realization of my Life

There's too much to do! I keep searching for that bam! That so many in their lives seem to have at birth. They take that bam, and work towards it. Figuring out "how to" along the way. I however do know what to do, how to do it, or how to figure it out. All of these things to: join,accomplish, read,and create, that, I'm overwhemled by the thought. Disguisted by the concept that I'm too much of a smuck to pull it off!

I'm so lost and so depressed it's down right pathetic! I want to be so much,that the fear of never becoming settles within the pit of my stomach, until reality sets in, and I'm left in a blind stupior, of my own idioticy.

I wasn't the Prom Queen,The Nerd,The Rebel, Or the Jock. I was the girl who didn't attend much at all. I lack the experience in life. I had no goals, no ambitions, except to do things my way. Which meant no fear! I literally got sick, and still get sick, sick with anxiety at doing anything, with anyone. Living every day with fear and sickness, so that all I can accomplish is the void of my exsistence, and my only goal is death. Do I want to die, of course not! I'd rather live the life I sometimes pretend exsist, but the reality is so much more cruel and messed up, I barely have the intelligence to comprehend. I'm not like normal people, and nor do I care to be. Except that I'm evieous at their ability to make mistakes, to go about there every day, to be in ignorance if they wanted,and to never know the difference. Maybe I would die though, if I had to be that way, I don't know any different. I don't know anything outside my lame exsistence. I'm unprepared for those things that people usually embrace slowly, I refused, and must slam myself into now. I am at a place I can not understand, nor can I find away to change from. I can help anyone but myself. Who will help me?

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