<< : 2003-08-28 :: 1:25 a.m. : >>
Dominatrix or Submissionist?

I'm in my experimental phase, I think.

I want to experience life, except I'm petrified, and have experienced exactly nothing, absolutley nothing! I'm still in my cacoon phase as well.

If it's possible I'm more confused now than I was in highschool. In highschool at least there was the dream, the hope, the goal, that when I get older......!Then I'd just image, and accept that that was going to be my life.

You think that it will just happen that you'll graduate and bam, your life will happen. For some this maybe true, but for me, not so much.

They didn't tell me that when you get older, it really up to you, all of it. That fear is not an option,that being grown up means, and this is if you grow up, that nothing certain, you'll be conflicted with major self doubt, pressure,and everything you do is a risk you'll never be ready to make.

I understand nothing and I am a virgin in so many ways,that i find myself like a deer,thinking if I'm still enough,the bad man with the sniper rifle might go away.

They don't tell you that you'll need to be a whore in the non sexual use of the term, but I even think that those people catagorized as whores, might have a better chance than so called shy people. Better at taking the risk's and dealing with the people, which in life you have to, good, bad annoying, but maybe it's an even playing field, Whores are to needy, and Shy people to cautious.

I hate the whole idea of being a certain way for others, of submitting yourself to fit into their worlds, the sad realization is that in one way or another, for one reason or another we all submitt, whether we understand we are doing it or not.

Is it better to be a Dominatrix or Submittionist? In each role their is a lessing of yourself. In one you lose a certain amount of your vulnerbility/humanity, the other you lose your sense of self/pride.

I haven't ever hand normal relationships ever, not that anything I do is quiet normal depending on your idea of the word, and I guess I like it that way. I do however wonder, why it all has to be so complex or so simple, I missed it completely. Men, Friends, work, family, love, self love,accomplishments, success, decisions, sexuality, life, expression, and people, why do they all have to make you feel so small and so insane, that you think you belong in a Wes Craven movie. I don't know that I'll ever be certain, or that I'll ever understand, or be understood and loved, but I hope that I find a way to really live, maybe even happily. Actually just to be noticed, really well liked and talk to ,would be a postive step for me.

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